Staring the future in the face.

So this is what I’m faced with…

The presidential election means that the ACA will be repealed. When it is repealed, I will no longer have health insurance. It will likely also affect my husband’s Medicare and disability. We are living right on the edge as it is. Any deviation will knock us over into not being able to pay our utility bills AND buy food. At that point, we’ll have to make some difficult decisions.

I know what decision The Girl will make. Romans kept a sharp dagger in readiness. Her dagger is a bottle of pills. I can’t tell her she’s wrong.

So I’m going to love them and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. That’s all I can do.



Hadn’t said much for a while….

but I’ve been talking a lot over on Disqus.  BTW, if you followed me over here, and want to contact me, you can find me at the-lady-herself-nineteenseventyone at yahoo dotcom, with the dashes removed and the numbers as numbers, and if you tell me where you know me from you’ll get a response. I like to talk to my friends.

The problem is inelasticity

The problem with being on a fixed income is that you have no room for anything else.

We get $1269 a month.

Water/electric/sewage/trash: $200 or so a month. Usually $10 variance on either side of that. Gas: $30-$60 a month, lower in the summer. Internet/house phone:$90. Cell phones $75. Payment on his shop, $180. Gas for the vehicles:$100. $400 is what I allot to myself to buy food for the month for three adults. That works out to $. per day. We must buy medications: that’s another $60 a month. (Most are $4 pills… but four dollars adds up.)  But clothing, house repairs, insurance on cars and house, and any “wants”…must come out of the remaining $104. We often can’t make it work.

We are waiting impatiently for my husband’s mother’s estate to get through probate and get the check. Among other things, that $180 payment for the shop will go away; we’ll pay that off. We’ll get some things that make life a little more comfortable, like computer desks and recliners for the people with orthopedic and back issues. And some pretties: Tablecloths for the round table, perhaps more servingware to permit me to set the table with grace and elegance, even for a simple meal.

But right now I can’t get to Daily Kos because I need to pay the internet bill, and I can’t game (my recourse for being in too much pain to stand) because the game won’t stay online, and I can’t look up anything for research, and it’s all because of a flat tire last month.

The flat tire was due to the tire being worn out. Bear can’t get on the ground to change one these days, he doesn’t want me to due to what it’ll do to me, and neither can The Girl.  So we had to call someone to do it, then pay for a new tire and have that put on our rim, balanced, and put on the car.

I am having to borrow money to meet the back bill that I couldn’t pay because of the tire. This gets really old, really fast.

When we get that check, part of it is going into savings, and with the barn paid off, we’ll have money to handle all the monthly expenses, and be able to trickle money into the savings and into Christmas and birthday plans. I will feel so rich.

But the interim really, really sucks.





When it’s right, it’s right.

So The Girl is now living with us.

She’s sitting within arm’s reach of me, talking on a video game about how it’s no use to level a character up any more for good reasons. She started playing it after she finished the dishes.

I made more dishes after she finished them. I had to make the kheer to go with the curry and naan tomorrow. She’ll wash those too.

She really does enjoy service. She does the dishes, she sweeps and mops, and every morning my bottle of pain pills is sitting next to the full glass of water, and my tea kettle is full so that I can just make my tea and take my meds automatically. And then I’ll feel like going on with the day.

She is good for us. With three people, it’s more sensible to sit down at the table. With someone else to do the dishes, it’s worth serving in good style and dirtying a bowl or two more. With someone else to consider, it’s easier to say no to going out and randomly spending money we really don’t have. I like the way the three of us fit in daily life.

And yes, the sex is good. The sex is incandescently hot, in fact. Whether it’s any two of us or all three of us, otherwise known as, “Hey, I’m not too tired if you aren’t.” Cause we all have chronic pain issues, and sometimes you just don’t have spoons for sex in the evening.

She has a ruptured disk in her back and some days it’s worse than others. But I have a TENS unit, and I can let her rest in whatever position hurts least and make sure she has food and clean clothes until it subsides back to normal levels. I can do the heavy lifting, or put her on the other end so it becomes an okay lift for us both, and I do the work involving bending. And that’s okay, because when I am sore from bending, the work is done, and I can sit while she takes care of the next step….and that rest will mean that I can cook us a truly fabulous dinner.

Oh,that’s another thing. I like having an appreciative audience, which she is. I like making things just to see the bliss on her face when she eats it.

Is she perfect? Well, she’s human, so no. She is bipolar. She has anxiety issues. And until she gets some work done, she has a problem with body and facial hair growth, since she’s transgender. But I don’t care. I think she’s beautiful. Inside and out. And we both love her lots.

I have hives. That’s why I got up at three am.

Perhaps that requires a little explanation. Yesterday was laundry day, where we take the laundry to my parents’ house and do it there, as our washer is broken, and it’s easier in any case to load and carry than it is to go up and down stairs all one day. My mother, upon hearing I had hives (all over the insides of both ankles and streaming up the calves) got me some Benadryl.

I know how I react to Benadryl. I get hungover and sleepy. So it was rather a tossup. Finally, when I got home, I took some. And while the itch was softened to ignorability, I was drunkenly weaving my way to bed at seven pm.

And so therefore I was up at three am. At least I got some of the cleaning done I intended to last night. Minus the things that make noise and bumps and bangs and odors to wake Bear up. And it being eight… my body has been up for five hours and wants a nap now. So I shall just put the meat for lunch into the microwave to thaw….so the cat can’t get it…and go nap.

All we are is dust in the wind….

We scattered my mother in law’s ashes this weekend. It would have been her 84th birthday. She was born in a small town in eastern Kentucky, and the poverties of her upbringing marked her for the rest of her life. I cried when she died, and when we scattered the ashes, for all that I’m glad she’s gone. She was a hard, cruel woman, sadistic and yet generous. She has scarred both her son and her daughter. And now it’s over, and we can heal.

And my body can get over riding 800 miles in a car in two days. Everything is gently and vaguely sore. And there’s unpacking and putting away to be done, and the cleaning-out of the back bedroom that I was partway through. Slow and steady wins the race, and I planned for this….there’s a frozen pizza waiting for when we get hungry.